


Kevin Price is Most Certainly NOT Gay.

by Demixian



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:28:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4673576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demixian/pseuds/Demixian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody is being really supportive of Kevin, and it's pissing him off to no end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kevin Price is Most Certainly NOT Gay.

Kevin Price hides in his room, furiously staring at his desktop background on his computer. Arnold Cunningham, having been invited over to Kevin's stately home, is also there, but not inside the room with him. Instead, he is standing just outside the door, banging on it repeatedly. 

 

"Go away!" Kevin shouts, still glaring at the screen. He isn't actually doing anything on the computer, of course, but he pretends to so as to have a reason to be locked in his room. "I'm busy!"

 

"Come on, I didn't mean to upset you, Kevin!" Arnold pleads. Kevin continues to simply stare at the photograph of him and the other missionaries in Uganda which he has made his desktop wallpaper. They had all, at that point, fully personalised their uniforms. Elder McKinley had put on a sparkly pink vest for the photograph, Elder Thomas was eating a pop tart, Elder Church (who had taken up drinking after being excommunicated) was holding a can of beer brazenly, Arnold was wearing a tie with a weird green alien thing on it (that Kevin still doesn't know the name of) and Kevin himself was simply wearing his then-new yellow patterned tie. 

 

"Just go and raid the refrigerator again. Or don't. I don't care. Just go away!"

 

All this bickering started when Arnold first arrived at the Price residence shortly after Kevin a few hours before.

 

\---

 

"Hi Mr. Price! Mrs. Price!" Arnold had trilled, walking through the front door and shaking the two spouse's hands. Kevin was sprawled on the sofa, looking at his new iPhone.

 

"Ah, Elder-- I mean, Arnold Cunningham. Pleasure to see you again after two years," Mr. Price had politely replied.

 

"You too!" Arnold said enthusiastically. "That's so much better than what my parents said when I got back."

 

"Indeed!" Mrs. Price said, slightly unsurely. "Well, a little excommunication shouldn't get in the way of family, I say!"

 

"That's so nice of you! Oh, hi, Kevin! How are you doing?" Arnold said, moving over to the sofa where Kevin was still staring at his cell. He clicked the 'Off' button on it and got up to shake his friend's hand.

 

"I'm alright, thanks. So, Mom and Dad say you're gonna be staying here for a couple nights?" Kevin asked, noticing Arnold's suitcase (which was decorated with an arrangement of odd-looking characters that Kevin didn't have the pop-culture knowledge to recognise). 

 

"Uhuh!" Arnold assured him, grabbing said suitcase and rolling it over to his side.

 

"You aren't staying in my room, right? 'Cause I got enough of that back in Uganda," Kevin joked. Suddenly, a sound of thundering came from upstairs, and Kevin closed his eyes in exasperated anticipation as a horde of people came rushing downstairs.

 

"Hi!"

 

"Hi!"

 

"Hi!"

 

"Hi!"

 

"Oh, hi!" Arnold replied as the three boys and a girl swarmed around him.

 

"I'm Sarah!" the girl said. She seemed to be around 16. 

 

"And I'm Jack!" the oldest boy said. He seemed around 18, probably almost 19. The other two boys were twins, and probably the youngest children there. Both looked around 10 or 12.

 

"I'm Joseph!" one said.

 

"I'm Jonathan!" the other trilled. They were both wearing white t-shirts and black trousers, similar to the missionary uniform but fit to the size of a pre-teen. It looked a little scary. Arnold had always been afraid of twins.

 

"H-hi!" Arnold stammered, trying to stay cool. 

 

"These are, obviously, my brothers and sisters. Don't worry, they won't bother you. Right, guys?" Kevin said, staring daggers specifically at the hyperactive twins.

 

"You bet!" they all said in perfect unison. Arnold was freaked out even more by this. He had watched way too many horror movies with evil twins who do everything in unison. Kevin smiled sheepishly and began showing Arnold to the spare room.

 

"How do you even have a spare room with all these kids?" Arnold whispered as they walked up the carpeted stairs. Kevin chuckled quietly as he heard the kids downstairs being told the ground rules for having guests, the same rules they were told every time the Prices had people over.

 

"Well, Joe and Jon share a small room. Jack and Sarah share a larger one, they have a curtain that divides the room, and my room's opposite yours. It's pretty neat, I can show you after you've unpacked," Kevin said, finally reaching the empty room at the end of the landing. "Speaking of, here's your room. Don't cover too much of it in memorabilia."

 

"I won't. I've kind of grown out of that now. I still love Star Wars, though," Arnold assured him. As he went inside, Kevin lingered on the threshold. 

 

"Hey, so, are you and Nabaluungi gonna get married here or back in Uganda? You two have been seriously procrastinating the whole wedding thing. I figured it was because you wanted to finish the two year mission and then take her back here."

 

"Naba's got her heart set on this place," Arnold replied. "To be honest, her village may be warlord-free now, but I'd rather not get married in a slum. I mean, I guess it could be kinda cool, but it would be really smelly. Anyway, this place is better for that kinda stuff anyway. Besides, it's not like my parents would come either way. They won't even let me live in their house."

 

"That's so messed up," Kevin said, crossing his arms. "Who even does that?"

 

"I don't know, my parents, I guess?" Arnold said glumly, placing his clothes in the dresser robotically.

 

"It's alright, buddy," Kevin consoled. "You're here now. My parents don't judge. They're pretty laid back. Heck, if excommunication's no biggie to them, I might as well come out as gay."

 

"You're gay?" Arnold asked, looking up suddenly.

 

"No," Kevin said, rolling his eyes. "I was kidding."

 

"It's alright if you are, buddy," Arnold replied, giving a reassuring smile. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."

 

"I'm not gay, Arnold. I was just saying that--"

 

"Kevin, you don't need to be so defensive about it. If you're gay, that's cool."

 

"I told you, I was kidding!" Kevin insisted, his voice rising.  

 

"Hey, hey, no need to get all snappy. Didn't we already have this conversation with McKinley?"

 

"It's different, I'm NOT gay. I was just saying that if my parents are cool with excommunication, I might as well say something outrageous like that."

 

"That's alright, that's cool, don't worry, buddy."

 

"No, you're not getting it, Arnold. I am NOT gay."

 

"Fine, fine! It's not my job to force you to say or do anything. You can do this when you're ready."

 

"ARNOLD! I AM NOT GAY!"

 

"Sure, sure, okay." Arnold said, winking. "You're totally straight." he added, ever-so-slightly sarcastic.

 

"Gah!" Kevin spluttered, storming off.

 

\---

 

And now, Kevin sits at his desk as his friend continues to try and coax him out. 

 

"Kevin! Buddy, please, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have brought it up," Arnold apologises, knocking three more times on the door, like maybe that's going to convince his friend to come out, literally (and possibly metaphorically). Kevin groans.

 

"You didn't bring anything up, Arnold. That's not what's bothering me. What you did wrong was refusing to accept that I am NOT gay, closeted or otherwise," Kevin vents, slamming the table in frustration.

 

"This needs to end, Kevin. I hate to break it to you, but I already sniffed it out a long time ago."

 

"Sniffed WHAT out?" Kevin growls, growing more irate by the second.

 

"You know what!" Arnold replies exasperatedly.

 

"Well then, you're delusional, because there's nothing TO sniff out. You're trying to solve a problem that isn't there," Kevin snaps. He pushes the hair that has fallen over his forehead back, feeling fresh sweat droplets forming rapidly.

 

"Kevin, please…" Arnold pleads.

 

"Arnold," Kevin growls, his anger growing by the second. "I'm serious, if you don't cut this ridiculous charade out already, I am kicking you out onto the streets."

 

"You wouldn't do that, we're best friends! I just don't want to see my friend hiding from himself," Arnold says, clearly on the verge of tears.

 

"Damnit, Arnold!" Kevin shouted. "I'm not gay, okay? I'm not 'hiding from myself' or any of that bull. I made a dumb joke and  it meant nothing, okay? You may think you're being 'there for me' but you're not. You're being a prick." Arnold gasps audibly from the other side of the door. 

 

"K-Kevin…how could you say that? I'm your best--"

 

"You may be my best friend, but you aren't acting like it right now. You're acting like the biggest douchebag in the universe. Just go back to your own room, okay?"

 

"Okay…but we're talking about this tomorrow morning!" Arnold says, walking back across the corridor into the spare room. Kevin leans back in his chair in relief. He hears his phone go 'ding!' and he checks his new message. It's from McKinley.

 

H o w   c o m e   y o u   d i d n ' t   t e l l   m e   y o u   w e r e  g a y?

 

Kevin lets out another exasperated groan.

 

 

 

The next morning, Kevin wakes up to his mother opening the curtain, letting in the blinding morning sun. Kevin moans in discomfort as his eyes begin aching with the sudden exposure. 

 

"Morning honey!" she trills, giving him a kind smile. "Come down and have some breakfast when you're ready. I'm making pancakes!"

 

"Neat," Kevin mumbles, untangling himself from the duvet. His mother momentarily gives him a concerned look and walks out of his room. Ignoring her worried glance, he continues with his morning routine, splashing his face, getting dressed (today he dons a black shirt and a pair of his dad's trousers), doing his hair and drinking half a glass of water before leaving the safety of his room for breakfast. After he walks into the kitchen and sits down at the table, he immediately notices a change in atmosphere. He chalks it up to the presence of a guest at first, but then realises that his father is looking at him disconcertedly from behind his newspaper, and whenever his mother sneaks a glance at him, she always seems worried, as if he's about to keel over and die at any second. Arnold looks sheepish, staring awkwardly down at his currently empty plate. Kevin's mother finishes the pancakes and dishes them out to Sarah, Jack, Joe, Jon, Kevin, their father, Arnold and herself. Sarah daintily cuts pieces off of her single pancake, Jack messily devours his three, Joe and Jon make matching stacks with whipped cream, blueberries and sprinkles, Arnold forgoes his knife and fork and picks the pancakes up with his hands instead, clearly enjoying every minute of it. The kitchen is unusually silent and Kevin is hesitant to begin eating. He looks around at his family and Arnold, who are all quiet (except for Jon and Joe, who are humming a jolly song as they pile on the whipped cream) and comes to a conclusion as to why everyone in the room is staring at him. He gives Arnold an angry glare as he begins slicing into the two pancakes on his plate. He knows that his parents won't bring up anything about what Arnold has evidently told them until they are alone. They wouldn't want to confuse the little kids, after all. 

After ten minutes of silent eating (aside from the obnoxious humming), they all begin to clean up. Kevin's mother collects the plates and puts them into the dishwasher. Jon and Joe run rampant around the living room, chasing after each other, Sarah and Jack go upstairs to their room and Kevin is left alone with his parents and Arnold in a sort of makeshift intervention. He waits for someone else to say something as he cleans up all the condiments. After a minute, his father speaks up.

 

"So, Kevin, we were talking to Arnold earlier this morning, just catching up. He told us that he's getting married! Isn't that brilliant?" he says. Kevin is taken aback when his dad mentions the wedding. After the initial shock, he feels a wave of relief and replies

 

"Yeah, this girl called Naba. She's real nice. They're gonna get married over here in Salt Lake." 

 

"As we've heard," his father says. "That got us wondering; when do you plan to get married?" Kevin feels a lump form in his throat. He can tell where this conversation is heading, and it isn't the old 'You're getting older now' talk, it's a talk that he never thought he'd end up having.

 

"Well, that's--"

 

"Honey, I think we should just tell him we know."

 

"No, Darling, that's not polite."

 

"It's better to just come out with it, so to speak." Kevin's parent's continue to conspire, fully audible to Kevin. He rolls his eyes and interjects.

 

"Mom, Dad, I don't know what Arnold's been telling you exactly, but I'm not gay." His parents both halt their conversation and stare at Kevin. His mother looks concerned and deeply sympathetic, his father looks mostly pensive, as if he's trying to decide whether he's angry or worried.

 

"Kevin, you've got to stop doing this to yourself," Arnold says, giving Kevin a concerned and slightly patronising look. 

 

"Doing what? I've already told you, it was a joke."

 

"Honey, sweetie, darling," his mother gushes, hugging her son and stroking his head. "You know we love you, no matter what?"

 

"I know, but I'm still not gay," Kevin says, mostly just exasperated at this point.

 

"Kevin, I know that, as a mormon, you were always taught that this was bad, but you must understand that you are my son and I will never disown you or discriminate against you, like what happened to poor Arnold here," Kevin's dad says sincerely, folding his newspaper. 

 

"I know, dad, but -- as I've already told you -- I'm not gay," Kevin persists, finally pushing his mother off of him.

 

"My poor baby, he's been oppressed for far too long."

 

"No, I haven't! The most oppression that I've faced is when a waitress wouldn't let me have a mint because I stepped on her foot!" Kevin snaps, his irritation building again. "It's awesome that you guys are so cool with it, but I'm straighter than a steel pole."

 

"Please don't hide things from us, sweetie," his mother pleads, stroking his hair again.

 

"Yeah, Kevin, keeping secrets is totally uncool," Arnold says, folding his arms.

 

"FOR PETE'S SAKE! WOULD YOU GUYS CUT THIS OUT?" Kevin splutters, whacking away his mother's hand and glaring at all three of the deluded wannabe Dr. Phils.

 

"Kevin, don't be difficult," his father warns, looking at him from  over the rim of his glasses with his head titled down ever so slightly. 

 

" _I'M_ being difficult?" Kevin scoffs. "You're the ones who can't just accept that I'm not gay after I've told you a hundred times. You guys are the worst parents ever, and you, Arnold, are the worst best friend ever!" After his outburst, Kevin storms upstairs and once again locks himself in his room.

 

 

 

Kevin types "Orlando" into the search bar. This is an old calming technique of his. He googles "Orlando" and looks at the images of it, fantasising about going back there one day. However, this time it doesn't work. He looks at picture after picture, and still finds no comfort in it. He hears four consecutive knocks at his door and immediately shouts

 

"Go away, Arnold! I don't want to speak to you!"

 

"Um, Kevin?" comes a small, female voice from outside. 

 

"Sarah?" Kevin asks the door, all spite and anger going away at the sound of his little sister's voice.

 

"And Jack!" comes his brother's voice. Kevin opens the door without hesitation.

 

"Finally, some sane people in this house. You two wanna come in?" Kevin asks, stepping aside to let his siblings in.  

 

"Sure!" Jack says cheerily, walking through the doorway along with Sarah. She looks solemn, and Kevin quickly notices this, while Jack looks as chipper as ever, smiling from ear to ear. They both sit down on Kevin's bed as he closes the door. 

 

"So, how come you two left your cave?" Kevin jokes, taking a seat on his chair. Sarah giggles slightly, Jack bursts out laughing.

 

"Good one, Kev!" Jack says, still laughing. Both Sarah and Kevin look at each other and roll their eyes simultaneously, used to Jack's overreactions by now.

 

"Yeah, anyway," Sarah presses on. "So, Jack and I heard you arguing with Mom and Dad and the weirdo downstairs."

 

"Oh," Kevin says, disappointed that this is the one thing anyone talks to him about now. "Right. Well?"

 

"Well…we wanted to ask you…ARE you gay?" she asks sheepishly. Kevin rolls his eyes again, groaning for the umpteenth time.

 

"No, I'm not. This is what I'm trying to tell everyone," Kevin grumbles through gritted teeth, scowling. Sarah and Jack both look worried at how angry their brother is.

 

"It's okay, Kevin, we--"

 

"I'M NOT GAY!" Kevin shouts, banging his fist on the desk again. 

 

"No, we're saying we believe you." Sarah continues, her soft and comforting voice quickly calming Kevin down. 

 

"R-really?" Kevin replies, looking taken aback at this. 

 

"Yeah. If you say so, then that's the truth." Sarah assures him, smiling sweetly. Kevin smiles back appreciatively. 

 

"Thanks. You know, I had a friend back in Uganda, and he was gay. We never had to force him to come out because he already technically had, he had just kept trying NOT to be gay, he'd always, uh, 'turned it off'," he recalls, fiddling with a pencil from the desk. "When he 'came out' nobody was really shocked. They were all expecting me to come out too. It got really annoying after a while, they'd always tease me about it and keep telling me the same things Arnold and Mom and Dad are now. I got so sick of it, when I came back here I thought it was over. At least you guys believe me."

 

"We love you, Kev," Sarah says, hugging her older brother. "We know you'd never lie to us."

 

"What about that time with the donut?" Kevin says.

 

"I didn't say you'd never lie to Dad," Sarah explains, laughing. Kevin hugs her back and Jack, unable to resist, joins in too. After they stop the group hug, Sarah and Jack silently leave, closing the door behind them. 

 

"You think he feels better now?" Jack whispers to his sister as they walk down the hall.  

 

"I think so,"Sarah whispers in reply, looking back at Kevin's closed bedroom door.

 

"Now we wait, huh?"

 

"For what?"

 

"For him to finally come out, like we know he's going to eventually," Jack says, as if it's obvious. Sarah rolls her eyes.

 

"Jack, I meant what I said back there. If Kevin says he isn't gay, he isn't gay."

 

"If you say so, but he left his phone open last night when he arrived, and I saw, like, 17 billion texts from this guy called Arnold. You think that's his boyfriend?" Jack says. Sarah doesn't bother rolling her eyes, instead she just sighs at Jack and walks over to her side of the room. Jack looks confused.

 

"What? What'd I say?" Jack says indignantly. Sarah just smirks and shakes her head.

 

"One day, Jack, one day, you will make a friend and I will never let you forget it."

 

"Good. I'd hate to forget a friend!" Jack says, sitting on his bed and turning on his Xbox. Sarah face-palms as the ditzy young boy smiles ignorantly, selecting Fallout 3 and resuming play. 

 

 

Meanwhile, Kevin sits in his room, writing an e-mail to send to all his former missionary friends from Uganda.

 

"Hi guys! We agreed to e-mail each other regularly, so I'm just starting off the chain. Things in Salt Lake have been pretty neat. Arnold's staying with me because his parents kicked him out after the whole excommunication thing. My parents are cool with it, though. How are you guys holding up? 

\-- Kevin"

 

Just before hitting send, Kevin hears six 'dings!' coming from his phone. He checks his messages and see that they are all from the former missionaries. Every single one goes something like this:

 

A r e   y o u   c o m i n g   o u t ? 

 

or even just

 

A r e   y o u   g a y ?

 

Poptarts even sent the lyrics to a song titled 'If you were gay' that Kevin doesn't know and decides not to look up. 

 

"They're never going to let this go," Kevin says to himself, shaking his head and laughing. "Might as well have some fun with it." Kevin then replies to all of the texts with the same message:

 

W h y ?   Y o u   i n t e r e s t e d ?   ; )

 

Kevin decides the winky face is a nice touch. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kevin Price is a little shit and I love him


End file.
